if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
