I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
