I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
