so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
