he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
