You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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