Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men