Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first