Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
