Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
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bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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