I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
