I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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