i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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