I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
