I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
