I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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