The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
ttyl tear gas
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I lost the right to judge tonight
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
