Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
These tits shall not be calmed
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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