Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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