My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
