every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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