you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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