And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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