i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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