please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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