I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
