bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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