I wannas sexs uuuuu
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
