And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
