i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
