I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
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you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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