Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
