I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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