OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
