I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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