so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
