i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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