im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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