oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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