Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
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I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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