Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
that may or may not have been my penis.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
