My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
