It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
