Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
