I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
