Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
