Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
