That's when you crack a 10am beer
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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