To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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