There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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