it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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