Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
