saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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