Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
