i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
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and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
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He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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