Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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